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| Its been a long time, but its over
Jesi and I are no more.
Im not sure what to think, or how to feel.
I can't tell if its an improvment, or a loss.
I think its both.
But im alone again, and i dont have the person i love beside me.
Because people change, and they grow apart.
a couple months ago we were like Maggie and Ian,
we thought we would be together forever.
and now, here i am, starting over.
Maybe Josh was right,
perhaps its a waste,
to invest so much time and energy during these teenage years,
on things that we know cant last.
because you wont merry your highschool sweet heart.
and you'll loose your first love.
but theyre never really gone,
because you never loose your first kiss
it always stays in your lips.
and your first love,
it always stays in the back of your heart.
but what consolation is that? | | |
| its been.. a while. a really really long while. and in that while, a hell of a lot has changed.
i went and spent a couple days in colorado springs right before springs break...that was interesting to say the least... got a make over, and met Manda. life is interesting, and my hair is chocolate peanutbutter.
in most recent news, i found my self a job...at starbucks. im only supposed to be working 20 hours a week..but we're down to 5 people, and looseing the manager in a week...so i get to have a full time job and go to school. i may aswell be working two full time jobs, get paid shit for one and nothing for the other.
6.45 an hour, for dealing with bitchy customers, wearing a fake smile, and pretending you love your job. and because of our shorthandedness, i get to do all that stuff, alone. some how i got schedualed to work last sunday morning at 7. well i showed up, and John the assistant manager of safeway tells me that the other person that i was supposed to be working with, and who should have been there an hour before to open, called in sick. so there i was, with a completely closed store at opening time, with no experiance with morning hours...and a countiues line of bitchy coffeeless cafiene adicts. this contiued for three and half hours untill April showed up. my what a pleasant morning. my first work experiance hasnt been great, as you can probably tell.
i think im looseing Jesi... he hasnt been around much..... and when he is around things just seem weird. i guess we might be growing apart, and it really hurts. i really do love Jesi. im not sure what to do, or how to handle the situation, being that ive never been in a situation similar to this. in all my other relationships the path was always lit with golden lights and was not only easy to follow. but clearly the the right way to go. its not so simple this time. i dont know that theres any one else in the world that i could love like i love him, or that could love me back the way he loves me. this could be the end..im scared.
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| i have become the ugly duckling of the family. im "sedentary", im "anti-social" i spend too much time on the computer, i spend too much time doing "questionable" things with jesse, i dont get my school work done, im not persistant, i get sick too often, i dont go out side often enough, i dont have a job, i cant balance trying to get into the number 1 performing arts summer program in the country and school at the same time, i argue too much, i have to be reminded to take my anti-depressants every morning, i have to be told to do house hold work, i dont do what house hold work the second that i am told to do it, my rooms dirty, i take naps when im tired, im not constantly doing "busy work", im not raine....i could go on for hours, maybe days or weeks. my own mother cant except who i am. shes constantly trying to change me. but i dont want to be who she wants me to be. im fine the way i am. sure yes, a tad bit more modivation would be nice...but what ever. she thinks she's helping, but shes not. shes only making things worse. thats all she's ever done. did my dad ever cause any of my mental breakdowns? no. why? because he understands what i have to live with. my mom always says "ya well i have slight depression and if i dont take such and such herbs every day then blah blah blah" she has no idea what the fuck shes talking about. and ya know what, when you make your daughter want to die, its time to change the way you handle things. duh. on christmas day, i took a nap. why, you ask did i take a nap? well because i havnt been able to sleep as well as usual and got maybe 2-3 hours of sleep the night before. well, my nap lasted about about an hour, before "See-mone, you better get your ass up here this instant or you wont be eating dinner". same thing goes for the other day, went down took a nap. when i woke up "youre too lazy, all you ever do is sleep, computer,sleep,computer" what ever. so after we had one of these, list all of the things that are wrong with Simone events this afternoon, i cried for a couple hours. when i finaly got over it, i went up stairs, and i was ok for about an hour, then i fell down the stairs -_- now, i hurt all over. and that, was my lovely day. | | |
| fiiiinaly. christmas break! and a broken computer. yes thats right. Capt. emo fucking broke the laptop that he wasnt supposed to be on, due to the highrisk of him fucking it up. ya, well he dropped it or something. why? because he was upset that raine told him to get off of it. so, the power cord got twisted almost a full turn, not only breaking the powercord, but the thing it plugs into on the computer. thats just one of the things that cant be fixed. just one of the parts that you can replace. luckily handy dandy daddy, had one of Agenda West's laptops laying around, and handed it over to us for temporary use. he said he'll ask agenda west if he can buy it from them. so i suppose its bad and good all in one turn, just like the chicken and stars incedent. we get a nicer computer, but its kinda like, getting evacuated out of your house, and given another to live in, that you may or maynot beable to keep. so you know, when youre evacuated out of your house, you get to take only the most important things. so, dad gave me another lap top, that i could charge the battery with, and then really quickly get the things i needed off the broken laptop, by sending them to myself over the internet. ill have wait to get all my other stuff. im afraid to download anything, because i dont know if ill just have to take it all off again. bleh. i want my old harddrive back *tear* anyways. yesterday, was six months! thats right, me and jesi have been together for 6 whole months! :D six months ago.. ergh. shouldnt have gone there. oh well. the end of one thing is the start of another. ugh. im just ganna stop there. | | |
| im sick. sick sick sick sick. on friday morning i ate a doughnut that
wasnt all the way cooked in the middle, afterwards i got a super bad
stomachache. i thought it was the dough, but after i sat around for a
while at home watched american beauty, went to the chiropractor, came
home and all of a sudden got a high fever and felt like i was ganna die
or something, i decided that i was sick. so that sort of took over alot
of my week end, that and making stained glass windows in the
gingerbread houses all day sunday... ya, i had to crush up two bags of
lifesavers, pull the peices of dough out of the oven two minutes before
they were done cooking, fill in the windows with the crushed up
lifesavers then stick the bread back in the oven, all day long. untill
every one came over, then we put the houses together. ours kinda, fell
apart after we got done with the roof though :X so we're supposed to be
making another one.. i stayed home sick yesterday, got alot of work
done actualy... made my self get out of bed this morning...bad idea, i
felt horrible all day and didnt really get anything done. heh
http://my.netomat.net/stainedglasspromises/whiteboard1/
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